It started with a Rolls-Royce Corniche, I was demonstrating to the owner how to use lambswool over carpets and I did not notice their little terrier on the front passenger seat. Next thing I know, there’s a dog hanging off one of my fingers and me dancing around the front garden after it let go. The owner of the car and the dog said very little. The next day, he phoned me to apologize for his wife’s lack of compassion explaining that they had previously lived in Texas, and they were certain that I would immediately hire a lawyer to sue them like everybody in Dallas does.
A second Rolls-Royce dog was a rescue dog, I was getting on fine patting the animal while sitting in the living room taking a small libation when suddenly my left hand was on its way down the dog’s throat. Blood was coming from a wound on my hand, I dash to the sink to wash it, I’m telling the couple that own the dog about my experience, they tell me about the other people he has bitten with not a care in the world. Now to be fair to Rolls-Royce owners, I had a big black poodle (owned by a BMW 3.0 owner) have a go at my knee cap, my trousers saved me from damage.
My most recent experience was with a custom motorbike owner’s dog who inflicted enough damage for me to go to a walk-in clinic. That experience left me “dog shy” for a while.
LIPSTICK ON A PIG
Avoiding Life’s Lemons
Lipstick on a Pig features excerpts from the vast library of Maurice Bramhall’s experiences.