Originality often has a religious connotation in respect to classic cars. There is now a fashion where totally original “barn find” cars are being venerated with very high auction values. But in real life most of us want a car that offers enjoyment, some level of comfort and the ability to share the experience with our family, friends and collector community.

Having spent some years in the restoration world I got to meet Concours fanatics. One of my clients had his fascia from his Thunderbird on the dining room table for 6 months for the purposes of detailing, the family ate somewhere else. The quest for 99.9 points can be a real burden, but a burden that some of us enjoy. I always suggest to my clients that they enjoy their classic car in the manner that they like.

Originality can get in the way of safety and comfort for no great purpose. My standard advice for improvements for classic cars are, power steering, power brakes and electronic ignition. I also ad to that, if the driver is used to driving only modern cars, getting in a Classic (pre 1974) demands recognition that it can’t stop and steer in any way close to that of the most basic modern car. Letting a family member drive a Classic car without this up front advice can be dangerous to the car and the driver.

One last thought, I drove a white 1974 MGB for many years, I discovered early on that vans and trucks with high mirrors couldn’t see me on their passenger side, so I learnt to keep a safe distance.

LIPSTICK ON A PIG
Avoiding Life’s Lemons

Lipstick on a Pig features excerpts from the vast library of Maurice Bramhall’s experiences.

In the ‘80s I was involved in a company that restored classic cars. One day a prospective client phoned up and sent a Porsche down on a flatbed for restoration. The car consisted of the disassembled body on wheels and a bunch of parts thrown in. After several months passed by without any communication, we tried to find the owner. His business address had no one at it, the only phone number we had didn’t work anymore. We took possession of the car by means of a bailiff managed auction. It was only when we started the process of selling the car that we learned that it was one of the rare 1959 356 Convertible D models. A local collector purchased it and had it restored for Vintage racing.

LIPSTICK ON A PIG
Avoiding Life’s Lemons

Lipstick on a Pig features excerpts from the vast library of Maurice Bramhall’s experiences.

In the early ‘90s we got a call to go and see a collection of cars and memorabilia that was uncovered in a barn at Victoria and Eglinton. As any Torontonian would know, there are no barns in that area. As it turned out there was a small barn behind a house. In the barn was a Pierce Arrow that fitted with about 6” inches to spare at each end, how they got it in there was a real mystery. Along with the car were numerous old gas pumps and hood mascots. Along with the contents of the barn there were other cars from the ‘30s stored in Paris, ON.

The background to the cars was that the deceased owner had been a restorer for the Craven Collection. The Craven Collection sent classic car exhibitions to shopping centre malls all around Ontario to promote Craven cigarettes. As friends and family members arrived, the scene got quite hectic, items disappeared with little control.

LIPSTICK ON A PIG
Avoiding Life’s Lemons

Lipstick on a Pig features excerpts from the vast library of Maurice Bramhall’s experiences.

As published in the March 2018 Issue of Northern Prancer Ferrari Magazine.

The first car deal we brokered was a 1973 Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow long wheel base. The car was a dark blue with a red interior. A mature couple purchased the car and seemed very happy with it. Three months later, the husband called me to tell me that they liked the car but they needed to re-sell it. The problem was that the lady kept being stopped by the police because no one could see that there was someone driving the car.

Another Rolls-Royce story involves a very nice Corniche hardtop with low mileage in a pretty blue colour. The new owner had trouble adjusting the power seat. He called and asked me to demonstrate how it works so that a tall person could get comfortable. I got to his house and he insisted that I watch a video of him trying to adjust the seat instead of going to the vehicle that was parked right in front of us. It still remains a mystery to me.

When I was in the RR restoration business, I dealt with the RR head office in Dorval. The service manager told me the story of this hippy that came in one day and wanted his Silver Shadow restored, the company president refused to deal with him as he had a pony tail and obviously no money for the project. It turned out that the hippy was the TV personality Don Francks, they restored the car completely without incident. A few years ago I was offered the car for a tiny fraction of the cost of restoration, I see the car occasionally in Woodbridge at a very ordinary garage. One of his other RR’s was the Phantom V previously owned by Engelbert Humperdinck, painted in Royal colours. His last collection was of Model T racing cars.

LIPSTICK ON A PIG
Avoiding Life’s Lemons

Lipstick on a Pig features excerpts from the vast library of Maurice Bramhall’s experiences.

One of my favorite stories about mileage is the one where the owner was sure that a 1957 car had 2,500 miles on it, original. I asked him how that could be and he explained that the car had been raced when it was new and had subsequently been disassembled and remained that way for many years until it was restored. The car had gone through a messy divorce and ended up with a house trailer dealer.

The car was a beautifully restored example. While inspecting the car I located a label with the name of the restorer. I gave him a call. Yes he did remember the car, he had restored several vehicles for the same owner. The owner had one instruction that was unusual, all the cars he did had to have the odometer set to 1956. This was the year he got his driving license.

Many actions can lead to errors in mileage showing on the odometer. Many people drive while the drive cable is broken. Occasionally you will see a vehicle where the service dealer affixes a label to the left “B” post indicating an odometer change (I see this on Rolls-Royce cars in particular). This really is the rule, but it is rarely followed. Often odometers are set to zero when the car is restored, or the engine is rebuilt. One of the most well known odometer tampering cases was of the major dealer in Toronto who wanted to improve its used car values, amazingly they did not lose their franchise. I once had a case where my RR client accused me of using his car for my personal transport. He reported me to the Ontario Consumer Protection dept. who sent an investigator to interview us. It turned out that the mechanic who had the car before I did had mistakenly transposed numbers on his work order which appeared to make it look like I had put all sorts of mileage on the car while it was in my care.

LIPSTICK ON A PIG
Avoiding Life’s Lemons

Lipstick on a Pig features excerpts from the vast library of Maurice Bramhall’s experiences.

Everyone’s focussed on the beauty of the body, the interior and the noise from the engine. It’s amazing how many cars are listed on the Internet with no photographs of the underside of the car and it’s amazing how many individuals who list vehicles are surprised when someone asks for photographs of the underside and yet this is the area that underpins the integrity of every vehicle.

Inspecting the underside of the vehicle even when it’s on the ground is simple with current digital photographic devices that we now have. You set your iPhone flash setting to “on”, lie on the ground, put your arm underneath and start pressing the button. Always be wary of very heavy undercoat applications and any paint application that appears to have been used to mask problems.

Look for damage caused by “low flying sidewalks and driveways” along with signs of incorrect jacking.

LIPSTICK ON A PIG
Avoiding Life’s Lemons

Lipstick on a Pig features excerpts from the vast library of Maurice Bramhall’s experiences.

As everyone knows when purchasing a classic car, you are purchasing the end result of the previous owners whose hands it has passed through.

Historical documentation is like looking at a map, if there is no documentation you’re traveling blind. I have seen situations where there can be documents 2 or 3 inches deep, however on closer examination, I have discovered large gaps in history. This can indicate a situation where for many years there had been very diligent ownership, then the owner falls out of love with the car (or dies), or any combination of factors that lead to the abandonment of the car. In other words, you want history but it must be relevant.

I’ve recently come across situations where the history of a vehicle covered large segments of its life but the segment with no history would lead one to the conclusion that claims being made about the car could not be substantiated. In these two cases, extraordinarily low mileage was being claimed, but both owners omitted to get substantiating documentation for the mileage when they purchased the car. Low mileage claims are very seductive but only translate into dollar value when substantiated by the documented provenance.

LIPSTICK ON A PIG
Avoiding Life’s Lemons

Lipstick on a Pig features excerpts from the vast library of Maurice Bramhall’s experiences.

In the early 80’s, I was in the automobile detailing business and one of my clients was an exotic car dealer. I learned from him that the priority in cleaning and detailing a vehicle is to impress the driver. He pointed out that when the prospective purchaser sits in the driver’s seat, everything they see has to be as perfect as possible.

The logical inference from this is that when purchasing any car to look farther afield than just the driver’s environment. Many people are surprised when I inform them that the seats in their car have been painted and often it’s beyond the seats, it can involve the door trim panels and other areas. You need to know that the quality of this workmanship is going to endure normal usage.

The interior condition of a car contains many clues as to its history. This ranges from having new seat covers, carpeting or roof liners. One of the most common situations in older cars is that people have the seats cosmetically restored by putting new covers on or having them detailed and painted to have them look new but they rarely rebuild the seats’ internals. You nearly always know by putting your fist in the centre of the cushion and pressing down or sitting in the seat and feeling your posterior heading towards the floor that the foam and diaphragm have not been replaced. The seat cover has no inherent strength, if not supported properly it will lose its shape rapidly.

LIPSTICK ON A PIG
Avoiding Life’s Lemons

Lipstick on a Pig features excerpts from the vast library of Maurice Bramhall’s experiences.